We’ve all seen them, articles and books on the transformative powers of positive thinking.
My bookshelf used to be a testament to this obsession. Rows of titles promising a life of endless joy if I could just think the right way.
Yet, the truth I discovered after years of trying to drown out negative thoughts with positive ones was stark: It’s not that simple. And this constant quest for positivity was doing me more harm than good.
For people like me, who have an inclination to overthink and over worry, the pressure to be constantly positive was overwhelming.
Oliver Burkeman, a respected Guardian columnist once mentioned, “The pitfall of positive thinking is that it sometimes becomes a crutch – believing that you must be in the right state of mind before taking action. The reality? Recognizing negative feelings and acting in spite of them can be liberating.”
When The Secret took the world by storm, it promised that our thoughts held the power to manifest reality. But what about those of us trapped in our anxieties? It seemed an almost cruel premise.
Now, I’ve had my share of joyful moments. Moments where positivity flowed as naturally as breathing. Yet, there have been equally as many moments filled with negative thoughts and emotions.
The reality? Life is a blend of light and dark, and we need to navigate both.
It was during a particularly stressful time of my life that I discovered Dr. Russ Harris’s book, The Happiness Trap. It shifted my whole perspective. He introduced me to ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Instead of chasing relentless positivity, ACT emphasizes self-acceptance, compassionate self-talk, and actions rooted in our core values.
I have been using ACT for years now and it has changed my life.
A simple strategy from Dr Russ Harris based on ACT is The Mindful Stop. It is quick and simple, and I use this tool a lot.
It can be done at any time in the day and takes only 30 seconds.
There are 4 steps.
S– Slow down.
T– Take note, notice your thoughts and what you are feeling with a sense of curiosity and without judgment (You can even name the thought such as my monkey mind, the not good enough story, ruminating or a painful memory). What is vital to remember is that this is just a thought. It is not the essence of who you are.
O– Open up, make room for your thoughts and feelings and allow them to defuse through you.
P– Pursue your values, reconnect with them and let them guide your next action.
Remind yourself it is just a thought. It is not the essence of who you are. What a relief it is to know this!
Mindfulness, central to ACT, is about being an observer, not a judge, of your thoughts. It offers a liberating realization that you are not your thoughts.
Yet, mindfulness is only one part of the puzzle. Self-compassion is the other. Think of it as befriending yourself, especially during moments of self-doubt or when your inner critic goes on a rampage. Remember, imperfections are a shared human experience.
Be your own best friend. We are all very good at berating ourselves when we have messed up. Isn’t it better to be supportive, encouraging and considerate of ourselves, recognising that no-one is exempt from suffering and personal inadequacies?
Life isn’t about constantly battling negative thoughts. It’s about grounding yourself in your values, taking meaningful actions, and treating yourself with kindness. You might just find that many of those persistent negative thoughts tend to fade on their own.
Instead of trying to change or suppress every negative thought, focus on being present, grounded in your values, and compassionate towards yourself.
What is important is what you are doing, and not how you are thinking. If you are clear about your values and let them guide your actions, you will feel a deep sense of self-worth, regardless of all that negative self-talk you may have.
If you are unclear on your values, click here to access a free exercise on defining your values.
One last thing, give mindfulness a try, even if you just commit to a few minutes a day. Witness the changes it can bring to your life as it has done mine.
