Most of us have had the experience. You leave a coffee with a friend and realise, on the drive home, that you did most of the talking. You told them about the hip operation, the trip to Tasmania, the trouble with the neighbour’s tree. You’re not quite sure what is happening in their life.
It happens to everyone, and it isn’t a character flaw. Often it comes from enthusiasm, or from simply having more time on our hands and more stories to tell than we used to. But research on how people talk suggests that one of the simplest ways to make conversations more meaningful, for both people, is to ask a little more and tell a little less. It also suggests we tend to underestimate how well we come across when we do.
Why we find it so easy to talk about ourselves
There’s a reason the conversation drifts our way. In a 2012 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Harvard neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell noted that people devote 30 to 40 percent of what they say to telling others about their own experiences. In their experiments, participants were even willing to give up money for the chance to talk about themselves, and the researchers concluded that disclosing information about ourselves is intrinsically rewarding.
In other words, talking about ourselves feels good. That’s not a problem in itself. Sharing is part of how we connect. The trouble comes when the balance tips so far that the other person barely gets a turn.
People like those who ask questions
If talking about ourselves feels good, you might expect people to like those who let them do it. A set of studies from Harvard Business School suggests exactly that.
In research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2017, Karen Huang, Alison Wood Brooks, Francesca Gino and colleagues asked hundreds of pairs of strangers to chat online, instructing some people to ask lots of questions and others to ask only a few. The partners of the high question-askers liked them more. The researchers then looked at real speed-dating conversations among 110 participants, and found that people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to be asked on a second date.
Follow-up questions turned out to matter most. These are the questions that build on what the other person has just said: “What happened next?” or “How did you feel about that?” They show that you’ve actually been listening. The researchers found that question-asking worked because it made people feel more understood, validated and cared for.
Interestingly, when outside observers read the same conversations, they didn’t especially like the people asking the questions. The benefit was felt by the person being asked. And the participants themselves didn’t expect asking questions to make them more likeable, which may help explain why so many of us don’t do it more.
Support, don’t shift
The sociologist Charles Derber, in his book The Pursuit of Attention, described two ways of responding when someone tells us something. A “shift response” moves the attention back to ourselves. A “support response” keeps it on the speaker and the topic they raised.
Imagine a friend says she’s thinking of selling the family home. A shift response might be: “We thought about that too. We looked at three units last year…” A support response might be: “Oh yes? What’s got you thinking about it?”
Shift responses aren’t always selfish. Sometimes sharing a similar experience shows understanding. The difference is whether the conversation comes back to them afterwards. A quick “We went through that too” followed by “How are you finding it?” is a very different conversation from a ten-minute account of your own downsizing.
We think conversations go worse than they do
Part of the reason we fill the space with our own stories may be nerves. We want to be interesting, and silence feels like failure. Research suggests we needn’t worry so much.
In a series of five studies published in Psychological Science in 2018, Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark found that after a conversation, people consistently underestimated how much the other person liked them. The researchers called it the “liking gap.” It showed up in short chats between strangers, in longer conversations and in real-world settings, and among university roommates it lasted for months.
Clark described people as “self-protectively pessimistic.” The practical lesson is a reassuring one. You don’t need to perform or entertain to be good company. Showing interest in the other person is usually enough.
Balance, not silence
None of this means turning every conversation into an interview. The Harvard researchers themselves noted that asking lots of questions without sharing anything of yourself could eventually backfire. People want to know who they’re talking to.
A good conversation has a rhythm. One person shares, the other asks, then shares something of their own, and the questions flow back. The aim isn’t to say less than the other person at all costs. It’s to make sure both of you get to be heard.
When it’s your turn to talk
There will be days when you are the one who needs to be heard: after a diagnosis, a loss or a family worry. That’s what friends are for, and it isn’t the moment to ration your words. It can help simply to say so: “I need to talk something through today, if that’s all right.” Naming it makes the balance clear, and gives your friend the chance to listen properly. On other days, you can return the favour.
Small habits that make a difference
- Ask one more question. When someone tells you something, try one follow-up before you add anything of your own. “What was that like?” or “How did it turn out?” often opens the conversation up.
- Notice the shift. When you feel the urge to say “That reminds me of when I…”, pause and ask yourself whether it will help them or simply move the spotlight.
- Bring it back. If you do share your own story, finish by handing the conversation back: “But tell me more about yours.”
- Remember and follow up. Asking next time about the daughter’s job interview or the cataract operation shows you were listening. It’s the long-term version of a follow-up question.
- Ask about feelings, not just facts. “How are you finding it?” invites a fuller answer than “When does it start?”
- Let a pause sit. Silence often gives the other person room to say the thing that really matters to them.
- Check the balance afterwards. On the way home, ask yourself what you learnt about the other person. If the answer is “not much”, ask a few more questions next time.
Why it’s worth the effort
Later life can bring more time for conversation, and fewer people to have it with. That makes each conversation count for more. Talking about ourselves will always be part of how we connect, and it should be. But the research suggests that people who leave others feeling heard tend to be better liked for it.
So next time you meet a friend for coffee, try asking one more question than usual. You may find the conversation goes somewhere neither of you expected.
