I first wrote this quite a few years ago, around the time my husband and I became empty nesters. Reading it again now, I remember how proud I was of our sons and how strange it felt to have a quieter house. I also smiled at my certainty that it was our time to fly. It took me a while to work out what that meant.
What I wrote then
Life is about change. Nothing stays the same. We go through different stages in our lives. We move on and grow through our experiences. Quite a few years ago, my husband and I became empty nesters, after having our “boomerang” kids come backwards and forwards over the years.
What is it about this stage in our lives that can affect us so much? So much of our life has revolved around our children, from their conception through to adulthood. I wondered then whether becoming an empty nester affected women more than men.
As mothers, we spend many years nurturing our children. For me, having children was, hands down, one of the most fulfilling parts of my life, alongside everything I had done in my career.
We put our children first, doing everything we feel is right for them. We give them opportunities to grow, loving all parts of their journey, the good and the bad. We watch their milestones with bated breath, willing them to succeed. We want to be the first there when they go through hardships, feeling their pain for them. Sometimes we feel such unconditional love for them that we could burst.
We watch as they get older and begin to live more independently, desperate to give advice but knowing there’s a fine line between offering it and giving them room to learn through their own experiences.
We feel such pride in them, encouraging them to experience the wonder of life, marvelling at the opportunities they have in a world that seems a lot smaller than when we were young. We encourage them to go down different paths, become independent and stay curious about the world. We want them to find their own purpose and calling. We marvel at what they’re doing. Are these our children? Did they really come from us?
Then reality hits home. Suddenly our children have flown the coop. They can live in different countries and follow paths we could hardly have imagined at their age. It’s everything we encouraged them to do. How do we reconcile this new stage of our lives? We’re in awe of our children, but at home we feel an emptiness, a lack.
We need to reassure ourselves. The family values we instilled in our children are alive and well. We’ll continue to be part of their lives and support them, whatever paths they take. And we have lives of our own to live. This next stage can be fruitful and satisfying. This is our time to fly.
What I’ve learnt in the years since
When I wrote that last line, I had a clearer idea of what I wanted for my sons than I did of what I wanted for myself. I had spent years encouraging them to follow their curiosity and find something that mattered to them. After I left my career in education, I realised I was asking myself much the same questions. What am I curious about now? What do I still want to learn? Where would I like to contribute?
I still enjoy doing something I loved in education: taking an idea I’m interested in, making sense of it and finding a way to share it. These days I do that through writing, and creating courses and videos. It took me time to recognise that I could carry that part of my working life into retirement and give it a different shape.
And the family connection I worried about all those years ago has changed again. My sons live overseas and I now have a granddaughter. I see her most days on a video call, and I’m besotted. I couldn’t have pictured those calls when I was first getting used to a quieter house. Now they’re among the moments I most look forward to.
I still think of Kahlil Gibran’s line, “Your children are not your children.” I used to read it mainly as a reminder to give my sons room to find their own way. These days it also makes me think about what I might do with the room I have in my own life. Read On Children by Kahlil Gibran.
If you’re wondering what to do with the room in your own life, my free Retirement Thrive Score quiz is one place to start. It looks at four ingredients of a fulfilling next chapter: energy, connection, purpose and vision. It’s 12 questions and takes about two minutes.
Take the free quiz here.
