Most of us carry a quiet list of expectations into every day. We expect to feel reasonably cheerful. We expect to get things right. We expect the choices we make to turn out to be the best ones, and we expect our plans to go roughly the way we pictured them. None of these sound unreasonable on their own. Yet psychologists have found that some of these everyday expectations can work against the very contentment we’re hoping for.
Expecting to feel happy most of the time
It seems natural to think that the more we value happiness, the happier we’ll be. Psychologist Iris Mauss and colleagues tested that idea in a pair of studies published in the journal Emotion in 2011, and found something surprising.
In the first study, women from the community answered questions about how much they valued happiness, including statements such as how happy they were at any given moment saying a lot about how worthwhile their life was. Among those whose lives were relatively calm, the women who placed the greatest importance on happiness actually reported being less happy and less satisfied with life, and had more symptoms of depression.
In the second study, some participants read an article praising the benefits of happiness before watching a cheerful film clip. Those participants ended up enjoying the clip less than people who hadn’t read the article. The researchers found the difference came down to disappointment. When we expect to feel wonderful, ordinary pleasant moments can seem to fall short.
The researchers summed it up with a striking idea: valuing happiness too highly may make people less happy just when happiness is within reach. A quiet morning cuppa or a phone call with a friend is much easier to enjoy when we’re not quietly grading it against an ideal.
Expecting never to feel low
A close cousin of that expectation is the belief that we shouldn’t feel sad, frustrated or disappointed at all. Many of us were raised to “look on the bright side”, and there’s a lot to be said for that. But a 2018 study led by psychologist Brett Ford, with Mauss as senior author, suggests that judging ourselves for low moods can make them worse.
The team studied more than 1,300 adults in the United States across three studies. In a survey of more than 1,000 people, those who tended to accept their negative feelings, rather than telling themselves they shouldn’t feel that way, reported better wellbeing. In a laboratory test, participants gave a short speech to a panel of judges as part of a mock job application. Those who usually accepted their feelings felt less distressed afterwards. In a third study, people kept a diary of difficult experiences for two weeks, and six months later, those who habitually avoided or criticised their negative emotions reported more symptoms of mood problems.
Importantly, the results held after the researchers accounted for factors such as income and major life stresses, so this wasn’t simply a case of people with easier lives finding acceptance easier.
Mauss suggested one possible reason. If we accept a hard feeling, we may not give it as much attention, whereas constantly judging our emotions can make the negativity pile up. Acceptance here doesn’t mean putting up with poor treatment or giving up on improving things. It simply means letting a sad or frustrating moment be what it is, without adding a second layer of “I shouldn’t feel this way”.
Expecting everything to be done perfectly
For some people, the daily expectation is not about mood but about standards. The house should be spotless, the meal just right, every message carefully worded, and nothing forgotten.
Psychologists Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill looked at three forms of perfectionism in their 2019 analysis of university student data. One was socially prescribed perfectionism, the feeling that other people expect us to get everything right.
It’s easy to recognise that feeling in everyday life. A slightly untidy kitchen when friends drop in, or a birthday card posted a day late, may matter far less to others than we imagine.
Expecting every choice to be the best one
Another expectation shows up in our everyday decisions. Some people feel they must find the very best option, whether it’s a new kettle, a holiday or a health insurance policy. Others are content to choose something that is good enough for their needs.
Psychologist Barry Schwartz and colleagues called these two styles “maximising” and “satisficing”. In research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2002, people who leaned towards maximising reported less happiness, optimism and life satisfaction than those who were content with good enough. They also reported more regret and more symptoms of depression.
It’s easy to see why. If the goal is always the best possible choice, there will always be a nagging doubt that something better was out there. Choosing something that meets our needs, and then letting the decision rest, leaves more room to enjoy what we’ve chosen.
Expecting the day to go to plan
In a 2014 study of momentary happiness, Robb Rutledge and colleagues asked people to make choices involving small gains or losses. They tested their model again with more than 18,000 people playing a smartphone game. In those tasks, how people felt depended partly on how their results compared with what they had expected.
Think of planning lunch with a friend at a favourite café. Having something to look forward to can brighten the day as soon as the plan is made.
The lesson, then, isn’t to stop hoping. It’s to hold our hopes a little more loosely, so that a rained-out walk or a cancelled visit doesn’t spoil the whole day.
Gentler expectations for everyday life
None of this means giving up on standards, plans or a wish to be happy. It means noticing when an expectation has quietly become a rule we can never satisfy. A few small shifts fit well with the research:
- Let good moments be good without measuring them. A pleasant walk doesn’t need to be the best walk of the year.
- When you feel flat or cross, try naming the feeling and letting it pass, rather than telling yourself you shouldn’t feel it.
- Ask whether a task needs to be perfect or simply done. Most things only need the second.
- For everyday choices, decide what “good enough” looks like before you start, then stop looking once you find it.
- Keep looking forward to things, but hold the plan lightly. If it changes, the anticipation you enjoyed was still real.
Joy and peace are rarely lost in one big blow. More often they wear thin under small, constant pressures, many of which we place on ourselves without noticing. The encouraging news from this research is that those pressures are within our power to ease. Expecting a little less of each day, and a little more kindness from ourselves, may leave far more room for the contentment we were looking for all along.
