“Have you thought about joining a group?”
It’s a familiar suggestion when someone mentions feeling lonely or wanting more connection in retirement. A book club, perhaps. A walking group. A committee that would be delighted to put our years of experience to good use.
There’s nothing wrong with any of those suggestions. But I sometimes wonder whether we rush into joining groups too quickly after we retire without thinking about what it is we really want.
For some people, joining a group is exactly what they want. For others, the thought of walking into a room full of people who already know each other makes staying home look surprisingly attractive.
I’ve moved many times for work and lifestyle reasons. That has meant leaving people behind and trying to establish connections somewhere new. I know how much relationships matter, and how much effort it can take to build them again.
I also know that I’m more comfortable in a conversation with one person than in a large gathering. This hasn’t prevented me from leading teams or working with people throughout my career. But it does influence the kind of connection I enjoy in my personal life and when I can choose the type of connection I want.
Recently, I came across an idea that made me think about this differently.
A new word made me reconsider something familiar
The word was otrovert.
Psychiatrist Dr Rami Kaminski developed the concept through his clinical observations and explored it in his book The Gift of Not Belonging. He describes people who can be friendly, socially capable and comfortable with close relationships, while feeling little identification with groups.
What caught my attention was the distinction between enjoying individual relationships and feeling part of a collective. I recognised something of myself in that description.
Otroversion is an emerging concept. Kaminski himself describes his framework as something other than a definitive psychological classification. Established personality research generally understands traits such as extraversion as dimensions rather than dividing everyone into neat boxes.
Still, an idea can help us reflect without explaining everything. It made me wonder whether some of us have spent years judging our social lives against a model that doesn’t particularly suit us.
And it reminded me that staying open to learning includes being willing to reconsider what we think we know about ourselves.
Retirement changes the opportunities for connection
One thing work provides, almost without our noticing, is repeated contact.
There are people we run into, people we ask about their weekend, and people who know when we’ve been away. We may not regard them all as friends, but they form part of the familiar human background to our working days.
When work ends, some of that incidental contact ends too. We can miss it even if we were very ready to leave the job.
Joining something offers a practical way to create repeated contact again. A 2023 study of 170 Australians transitioning into retirement linked maintaining existing group memberships and gaining new ones with better retirement outcomes.
But that doesn’t tell each of us which setting will suit us, or mean that belonging to a large group is the only worthwhile form of connection.
The question I find more useful is this. Where am I likely to see people regularly enough for familiarity, and perhaps friendship, to grow?
Some connections grow best one conversation at a time
For me, there’s something satisfying about a conversation with enough room to develop. We can move beyond the brief update and talk about what’s actually going on in our lives.
I love meeting friends for coffee and even for walks. Going for a two-hour walk with a friend can be deeply satisfying and we are exercising as well!
We often imagine building a social life as a substantial project, when one useful beginning might be inviting someone we already know slightly to join us for a walk.
Of course, they may be busy. They may not become a close friend. Relationships involve another person, with their own preferences and circumstances. But a small invitation can give a connection somewhere to go.
And existing friendships deserve attention too. A person living elsewhere can remain important through regular conversations, even while we work on developing relationships closer to home.
A shared activity can make connection easier
Although I prefer one-to-one conversations, I enjoy dancing. That might sound contradictory if we insist on putting people into categories.
But the setting makes a difference. When there’s an activity to take part in, conversation doesn’t have to carry the whole experience. There’s something to focus on together.
The same might be true of gardening, cycling, volunteering or learning a practical skill. For some people, a small class feels more comfortable than a gathering whose main purpose is to socialise.
A group can also be the place where an individual friendship begins. We might never feel closely connected to everyone there, yet find one person we’re pleased to see each week.
That seems worth remembering before deciding either that groups are the answer or that they’re definitely not for us. The size, activity, atmosphere and people all matter.
Familiar faces matter too
Not every connection needs to become a deep friendship.
There’s value in recognising someone on a morning walk, exchanging a few words with a neighbour or being greeted at a café. These encounters can give an ordinary day a sense of familiarity.
Researchers Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn explored these less intimate relationships, often called “weak ties”, in research published in 2014. Their studies found that interactions with acquaintances were associated with greater wellbeing and feelings of belonging.
The research wasn’t specifically about retirement, and a friendly greeting won’t meet every need for companionship. But it gives us a reason to notice the small exchanges we might otherwise dismiss.
We don’t have to turn every encounter into a friendship opportunity. Sometimes it’s enough to stop rushing and have the conversation.
Distance doesn’t make a relationship less meaningful
With my sons and granddaughter living in Asia, I’m very aware that some of my most important connections aren’t local.
Seeing my granddaughter by video is part of my life. It allows me to share in her growing up between visits, although naturally I look forward to being together in person.
Technology gives many of us ways to sustain relationships across distance. A proper conversation, a photograph with a personal message, or a regular call can help us remain involved in each other’s lives.
Those relationships don’t remove the wish for local companionship. We may want someone nearby to walk with or just run into. But we can value the closeness we already have while recognising what else we need.
No single relationship has to provide every kind of connection.
Connection also includes how we relate to ourselves and the world
When I write about connection as one of the four ingredients of a fulfilling retirement, I think about it quite broadly.
Relationships with people are central. I also think about the connection we feel with ourselves, with places we care about, and with the wider world.
Journaling has long helped me pay attention to my own thoughts. Walking outdoors can bring my attention back to what’s around me. Reading and writing give me ways to explore ideas and experiences beyond my immediate life.
These experiences offer something different from human companionship. They can sit alongside it, giving our days interest and helping us understand what matters to us.
This is where energy, connection, purpose and vision overlap. A shared activity might bring friendship, enjoyment and a reason to get out of the house. Time alone might help us recognise which relationships we want to nurture. A creative interest might lead us towards people we would never otherwise meet.
What kind of connection are you actually missing?
Perhaps that’s the question to begin with, before adding another commitment to the calendar.
Are you missing someone you can speak honestly with? Familiar faces nearby? The pleasure of doing something alongside other people? More time with someone who already matters to you?
Different answers suggest different possibilities. Sometimes joining a group will be a good step. Sometimes it will be making one invitation, returning to a place regularly or calling the friend we keep meaning to contact.
We are all our own person and what is satsfying for one person is not necesarily the same for another. I’m interested in the idea of being an otrovert because it has given me another way to reflect on what connections I really want. I love going to Pilates. When I think about it, it’s being with a group with the same goal of perfroming an exercise routine for a 45 min session. I also enjoy the chitchat afterward and really for me that is enough of a group activity.
And perhaps that’s what a fulfilling retirement is about, paying attention to the moments when we feel understood, involved and connected, knowing it is different for each of us.
